broken trusts and shredded hearts
by deanheart22
Summary: the trust between the brothers has vanished. lots of angst and tears. how much will one brother give to get back another's trust and will it cost him his life?   set nearly at the end of season 4
1. first fight

Dean sat in the motel room on the bed flipping through the TV channels with a disinterested look while Sam busied himself showering in the bathroom.

Ever since the encounter with the siren, little had been said between the two of them.

Talking only when completely necessary, the boys more or less had become strangers to each other.

Anyways back to the present, dean sat on the bed his eyes on the TV and his mind clearly in some place elsewhere. Snippets of their conversation under the influence of the siren ran through his head making his head spin like the blades of the helicopter. Dean felt dizzy and shaken. He couldn't believe that the brother for whom he had sacrificed practically his whole freaking life had said those hurtful words to him. Sam's words still echoed deep in his mind-,"hell changed you. You have become weak" "ruby proved to be far better than you have ever been. we saved more people in the 4 months you were down there torturing people to your heart's content , than I ever did while you were alive" "I know you enjoyed torturing those people . Their screams were probably like music to you "dean's eyes closed at the painful remembrance.

It's not like he himself hadn't lashed out on Sam and said some pretty hurtful things too. Hell he had practically told his brother that if it weren't for the fact that he was his brother, dean would have hunted him down like a long time ago. Dean was snapped out of his reverie when the bathroom door opened and Sam stepped out clad in sweats and a t-shirt. Dean stared at the so-called brother of his as he walked around the room towards his duffel. It's not like Sam hadn't tried to apologize. Infact several times on their way to the hotel, Sam had tried to start his apology but the fact was that dean was just not in the mood to hear more apologies.

After all he had opened to Sam and had told him about what had happened to him in hell and Sam had just misused it to the extent that dean felt as guilty as ever. So it didn't feel wrong to ask for some time and space to sort out his thoughts. When castiel had told him that he had broken the first seal by getting off the rack he had felt guilty as hell. It was his fault that the damned war was happening in the first place. But having those things thrown at him by his very own brother in the most horrible and hurtful way had just shaken him to the very core.

Dean snapped back to focus as Sam cleared his throat. "I uh. I found us a hunt "Dean sighed and replied back ,"I don't know why you are telling this to me . Is your sidekick ruby engaged somewhere else?" Something sparked inside Sam "dean why can't you just leave her out of the loop. You just have to bring her up somehow." "Sam I don't want to engage in a discussion about your dietary needs and your demonic girlfriends now. And I don't see the point of coming on this hunt with you anyway. After all you said it yourself. I restrain you and I hold you back. So there is no point in bringing along a weakling like me. I will just be hindering your powers." "Oh for the last time dean, that was the siren manipulating me. I never would have said those words to you and you know it" Sam shouted exasperatedly. "Yeah whatever Sam" dean replied indifferently. He switched off the TV and pulled the covers on him and turned away from Sam.

it was clear to Sam that dean didn't believe a single word that he said. No matter how many apologies later things would never be the same between them. But Sam was doing all this for Dean. Dean just didn't understand his need for revenge. Why it was so important for him to seek out vengeance for what Lilith had done to dean. Dean just didn't understand. but Sam also knew for a fact that he couldn't possibly think of presenting Lilith's head on a platter to Dean if dean didn't trust him , support him , understand him and stand by his side .

Until Sam didn't earn back dean's trust, Sam would have to put everything aside for a while. He could not fight a war on his own. Despite the fact that ruby was by his side through it all, without his brother Sam would just not feel alright. So for starters he needs to start getting back dean's trust. But that was the problem. How could he do that? He knew that he deserved all the mistrust. He had lied to dean, betrayed him and practically chosen a demon over his own brother. He could not possibly expect forgiveness. Yet he had to try. Sam thought of all this as he sat in the bed wondering how the hell relationship with his brother is went all of a sudden from easy going to unbearably uncomfortable and hurtful.

His last thoughts while he fell asleep were a resolve to make things between them if not exactly as they were but at least bring a pint of normalcy in them. If only he knew how tough it was going to be!


	2. silent tears

Chapter 2

The next day started off normally or as normal as it could get for the two of them. Sam

Woke up early while Dean was still in bed and went out to a nearby diner to get Dean' s

favorite breakfast. pancakes, bacon and a slice of Dean's favorite apple pie.

Sam had decided to start building their brotherhood back up again by first starting off with small small things. So with the breakfast in hand, Sam stepped back into the motel room while Dean was in the shower.

When Dean stepped out, he noticed Sam sitting in the small kitchenette table with two loaded plates for the two of them. Dean passed him without a word to fetch a glass of orange juice from the tiny refrigerator. The two of them sat to eat breakfast in complete silence. Many a times Dean caught Sam staring at him but he carefully ignored it. After all that Sam had done, Sam couldn't possibly hope to win him over by such little gestures. "sorry Sammy", thought Dean in his mind,"I am just not ready to forgive you yet."

After the plates were cleared away, Dean went back to his bed and flipped the TV on. Sam sat at the tiny desk with his laptop booted. He stared at the screen, eyes unfocused mind clearly somewhere else, lost in his own thoughts. Both sat there like this for quite some time. Sam was just about to bring up the hunt that he had found earlier when dean said

"Why are you doing all this Sam?"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"You clearly as hell know what I mean Sam."

"Well I don't know what you are talking about. I didn't do a thing."

"Yes you do Sam, this breakfast, the pie, all this, isn't gonna make up anything so you might as well stop." Dean felt he was rightful in saying that .besides , he wasn't the one who had almost killed us brother for a demonic manipulative witch and then try to make up for it by buying a friggin slice of pie .

Just then Led Zeppelin broke the silence. Broken out of his thoughts, Dean went to answer his phone. Looking at the screen, he saw it was bobby calling. "Hey Bobby. Watcha calling for?" Dean asked hiding the roughness in his tone.

"Where the hell have you idjits been? I have been trying your phone for the past 4 hours. Are you alright?" came back from the other end.

"Uh... sorry Bobby. Phone's battery got cut out. Anyways what are you calling for?"

"Well a new hunt's come up and uh. I might need some help over here. So how soon will you boys be able to haul your asses up at my place?" Bobby asked.

"Actually Bobby we aren't exactly in our best form right now since the siren. Could you ask maybe some other hunters could cover the job?"

"Come on you have got to be kidding me. You boys are the closest hunters around. That's why I called you in the first place. So are you coming or what. I am confined to this damn wheel chair or I would have gone and sorted this out on my own. So then coming or not?"

"All right Bobby, we'll be there in a coupla hours" Dean sighed tiredly.

"What did Bobby want?" asked Sam tentatively.

"Apparently some hunt's come up and the old man wants us to sort it out." Dean replied eyes fixed anywhere but at Sam. "We better start now if we want to reach there by nightfall. Start packing." Dean told Sam and started packing his duffel. Sam packed his belongings in complete silence.

The trip was long and dull. Few words passed between the two of them. Dean still wasn't willing to forgive and Sam wasn't ready to give up on asking for forgiveness. Dean sat stiff through out the ride with eyes glued straight ahead. Sam on the other end sat in the passenger seat trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. The amulet that dean had thrown away earlier in annoyance and hurt was clutched in his right end as he sat motionless looking out of the window all the time rubbing and feeling the amulet.

Sam wondered about how things between them had changed. How had they failed to notice that they weren't what they used to be before? And through all the fights how had Sam not even considered to look at things through Dean's point of view. If only he could have seen before how hurt, betrayed and alone dean had been feeling, he could have had tried to mend things between them earlier before they were reduced to an even worsened state.

The Impala screeched to a stop and the two of them got out silently. The front lights of bobby's house were still on as they stepped on the porch with their duffels. Dean knocked on the door and Bobby opened it after a few seconds.

Giving them both one armed awkward hugs he let them both in. Bobby's one arm was still in a cast and his leg was on the mend. His last hunt had left him torn up pretty bad and he was lucky his meats had survived the wendigo's attack. Stepping in the threshold Dean claimed the couch and left Sam to sleep in the spare guest room. Sam went up to his room right away and didn't come back. This left Dean and bobby alone in the room.

"So how are things between you to?" asked Bobby concern lacing in his voice.

"It's none of your business Bobby. Whatever it is we will sort it out on own. Sorry" Dean replied

"Come-on boy, why can't you just let him off the hook? Its not like he meant all those things he said in front of the siren."

"Oh really! Because I know what I said and I really meant it so I know he did too." Dean replied.

"You should just let it go and forgive him. He is your own brother after all"

"Bobby how the hell do you expects me to forgive him? I know he is my brother but that just makes it all worse. If a stranger would have said all those words to me , it would have hurt less than hearing my own brother throw back everything that I ever told him right on my face. I never should have opened up to him in the first place." Dean replied hurt evident in his voice.

"And you really think you could have got through your nightmares and memories of hell all of it just on whiskey without breaking down to anybody?" Bobby questioned

"It would have hurt less to get through it than opening up to the very person who you raised all your life and have those words thrown at you by a person who as turned into a stranger and calls himself your brother. It hurts Bobby. I mean you raise a person all your life and then the very person turns his back on you to go to a demonic witch who is a part of the evil you have hunted all your life. All those lies, the mistrust, everything is just so complicated now that I don't think I even know Sam anymore."

"Couldn't you at least give him a chance to make it up to you?" Bobby asked

Dean sighed "Bobby I don't think that even if I do we could ever - ever possibly go back to what we were before. So please just don't try to interfere. Give us some time."

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a sob. Bobby and dean turned back and saw Sam standing at the foot of the staircase face etched with silent tears through it all. Dean got up, finished his beer in one swig and walked past Sam without a word off to the couch. Sam quietly wiped off his tears and headed back upstairs to the guest bed room

Bobby sighed. If only those two idjits would sort things out


	3. author's note and apology

Hey

Guyzz I probably won't be posting for a while. I am sorry to u all! I am kinda going on a vacation and so I will post more after I come back . I promise.

Luv

Deanheart22


	4. left all alone

HEY

Herez the next chapter. Sorry I couldn't post for such a long time. Anywayzz here you go another chapter filled with angst and pain.

I don't own the characters unless I get them this year from Kripke as a Christmas gift.

Chapter 3

Sam and dean were driving around aimlessly on another road trip searching for new hunts. Dean sat in the driver's seat humming along Metallica that was blasting from the impala's speakers. Sam sat in the passenger seat looking out of the window.

"Dean could you reduce the volume? I think my ears have become permanently deaf after this." Sam shouted over the music

"sorry Sammy boy ! driver chooses the music. Shotgun shuts his cakehole!" dean yelled back

"its Sam. Sammy was a chubby twelve year old." Sam replied annoyed.

" to me you are always gonna be **the Sammy** who wears makeup around."

Dean then increased Metallica's volume effectively cutting out Sam's retort . they reached a diner and Sam received odd looks from everyone around in it. Sam sighed. It was Dean's entire fault. Apparently Dean thought it was funny to put purple hair color in Sam's shampoo bottle. So when Sam woke up today morning he was sporting a brand new look. Try as he could, it was really impossible for Sam to hide the clown color from his hair with a baseball cap.

They ordered their food. Dean as usual was feasting on his greasy burger while Sam munched on what dean called 'rabbit food'. After the burger Dean had an enormous slice of apple pie, eating it so eagerly and hogging it with his hands that everyone in the restaurant was giving them dirty looks. Wasn't it enough that everyone was staring at the two of them because a certain brother looked like a escaped circus clown? Dean just had to enhance the effect with his hogging the pie.

They got out of the diner in complete silence . Sam a little pissed off by the looks the two of them were getting while Dean seemed to be completely at ease. They got into the car and Dean turned on another Led Zeppelin cassette . they still had a few hours to reach the next town but those hours whipped by quickly. They shared their usual banter , argued over ordinary stuff and enjoyed each others company. They shared some brotherly fun and teasing.

By the time they reached the motel, night had fallen. Dean took the bed nearest to the door as usual and left Sam to take the one further away. The next day after breakfast they hit the road again.

Dean drove but something had changed since yesterday. Music no longer played in the stereo . Dean no longer talked and just drove looking straight ahead without glancing at Sam once. Something had changed . had Sam offended Dean somehow?

Sam thought of apologizing. The words were hardly out of his mouth when Dean shouted , " just don't say your sorry Sam. Yesterday was what we were before and this is what we are now. It doesn't change anything. What you have done to us, to the world. You don't deserve forgiveness Sam. After spoiling everything and betraying me you expect me to take you back when you wish to come back to me like nothing has happened. So just don't hell as well waste your time saying sorry because I know you don't mean it."

"Dean just listen to me once…please…" Sam pleaded

"sometimes Sam I think I never should have made the deal and gone to hell for you worthless brother. You didn't deserve it. I was naïve back then to have made the deal but if I get a chance now I would gladly jump back into hell just to save myself from the pain and misery of having such a person like you as a brother. I confided in you and you just stabbed at me behind my back. It hurts so much that hell would be practically a pleasure compared to this all. I should save you the trouble of repeating apologies you don't mean. Maybe I should just escape it all and go to hell." At the end Dean's voice became very soft with pain and betrayal.

Tears poured down Sam's face. Just then there was a flash of white light and on the backseat of the impala a little girl appeared with white eyes whom Sam recognized as Lilith.

She said, " Dean, all you have to do is take my hand and I will take you back there away from all this. The pain, the betrayals, the misery, you could escape it all. Just like that. You don't have to look into Sam's eyes everyday and see the meaningless apologies. You can be safe from all this. Escape it all when you have the chance. You know how he is going to become in a short period of time. A demonic entity." She raised her hand "you don't have to hang around to watch all this. What use is a backstabbing brother. Just take my hand and you will be free from all this" Lilith concluded. She inched her hand forward towards Dean.

"Dean you cannot actually be considering this. We can repair all of this mess. You don't need to go back there. It will be eternal torture. Dean please don't run away from us. From me. Don't leave me alone again." And with this Sam began to cry

Sam could see a strong conviction in Dean's eyes. Dean was going to except Lilith's offer.

"don't listen to him Dean. Remember all those things that he said about you a week ago. That's what Sam truly feels about you. Why do you need to stay and here hurtful things. When I can free you from all of this.?" Lilith said

"I am sorry Sam. But I have got to do this" Dean replied. He grabbed Lilith's hand without a thought. There was a flash of light and just like that Dean disappeared. That left Sam alone in the car crying and shouting , "Dean! No!"

Just then Sam woke up with a flash. He looked around in panic for Dean and then remembered that he was in Bobby's house and that Dean was downstairs sleeping on the couch , far away from Lilith and her offer. That night's events came rushing back to him. Them reaching Bobby's house, having dinner and Dean talking with Bobby. All of it came back and Sam began to cry alone in the dark with fresh gusto.

Was Dean so frustrated and tired of him that if Lilith made an offer, Dean would accept it without a blink of his eye? Was being with him so bad that hell would be like heaven in comparison? The thought that Dean would actually consider going back to eternal torture terrified Sam to his very core. Dean wouldn't leave him alone again would he?

But Sam knew that if he was being honest to himself , he had done some pretty horrendous things to Dean these past few months. So Sam couldn't blame Dean for wanting to get away from this. But the thought of being alone, away from Dean scared him. More tears began to pour out. Right now, Sam had never felt more alone than before. More tears escaped him and Sam was left alone crying in the dark.


	5. walls hurt

Dean had been restless the entire night. The image of Sam crying refused to budge from his mind leaving him feeling partially guilty and partially justified. If he would have had known that Sam was eavesdropping at the moment, he never would have opened up and said all of that stuff. Great! So now he had once more revealed his innermost thoughts and feelings only for them to be heard by Sam. Now once again they might be used against him. Dean hated feeling so vulnerable and weak. So now Sam had heard everything and had shed tears over it.

Why did it have to hurt so bad to be around Sam now? His whole time in hell he had wanted nothing but to be back with Sam and now he couldn't wait to walk away and ignore him. Dean agreed that they both had changed after the horrible experience and he didn't expect everything to go back to as it was but he could help but hope to see at least a glimmer of old times back in them. Before the siren, things were better. Maybe coming apart but at least their relationship was way better before than now. Now Dean couldn't possibly hope to believe even one word that Sam said.

Before he had trusted his brother, thought not entirely but somewhat he had had trust in his brother, but that trust was long gone now. After all the times Sam had lied and sneaked around behind his back doing things that Dean was terrified of , things that their father had taught them to fight against , Sam couldn't possibly expect Dean to take him back like nothing had ever happened. Maybe Sam did deserve all this. But then Sam was his brother also and whatever happens you could not abandon family, so Dean couldn't leave his brother to his own mechanics either.

Now Dean was confused, tired of it all. All the lies and the betrayals were taking a toll on him. Not to mention the oh-so-frequent nightmares he had about hell wearied him out. If Dean had a chance, he would gladly escape it all. Getting away from all of it would be like a miracle.

Sam was at fault. For ignoring Dean's dying wish. For going against everything they had ever believed in. for doing dark things. For believing in Ruby, trusting her so much, for replacing Dean with her. For lying all this time. For saying all those hurtful things that had been etched permanently in Dean's mind forever. For betraying him over and over again till Dean was so out of it that he couldn't possibly hope to believe a single word is brother said to him. For everything between them.

Dean's thoughts were interrupted when he heard Sam screaming from the upstairs bedroom. Sam was shouting out his name. Dean sighed; Sam must have had another nightmare. Sam's shriek and sound of his sobbing had Dean rushing upstairs in an instant.

Sam saw his bedroom door flung open and Dean rushed in with his arms out open coming to comfort him. Seeing Dean sound and alive, calmed Sam down and his sobs turned into whimpers. Dean saw Sammy sobbing uncontrollably and he rushed forward to sweep Sam into his arms and comfort him like he used to do before. Wave after wave of nostalgia swept over him.

As he went forward towards Sam with his arms open, he realized that Sam looked very vulnerable at the moment. Everything since his return from hell came rushing back into his mind. His mind hardened. He went back from the protective elder brother to the miserable man he had become in these past few days. The words, the memories, everything came back.

It was then Dean realized that Sam wouldn't like to be hugged or comforted at the moment. Sam had changed now and hugging Sam would probably be the last thing Sam would want him to do after everything that had happened. Sam was now changed and was stronger than Dean for Dean to comfort him. Hugging would probably make things worse for them. Seeing sam cry like this tore at dean's heart but he could not do anything about it. It made him all the more did not want to reminisce about old times and hope that Sammy would come back to him. Hugging Sam would just inflate this hope in Dean's heart and remind him about all the hurt and misery. So Dean let his hands drop down to his side casually.

But Sam was his brother after all, so nevertheless Dean walked over to Sam and said, "You okay?"

Sam saw it all. When Dean first came in, his eyes were filled with nothing but concern and love for Sam. He was about to come and comfort him. Sam looked at Dean hopefully that maybe Dean would comfort him at the moment just like old times. A memory of an 8 year old Sam crying after having a nightmare and a 12 year old Dean hugging and comforting him wove in through Sam's mind.

He waited for Dean to come up to him and hug him and assure him that everything would be okay but no such thing happened. Sam saw Dean's eyes. Something in them changed. One moment there was nothing but concern and love in them , next moment there was a flash of hurt in Dean's eyes and the very next second Dean's eyes closed up and the walls were back.

Dean always had built walls around himself making himself look stronger and invulnerable. There was a time when only Sam could bring down those walls but now Sam's sobbing didn't ever create a fissure in those walls. Dean's hands dropped back to his side awkwardly. Seeing Dean unaffected even by his tears and unwilling to comfort him had Sam burst into a fresh round of tears. Had they become in such a helluva condition that not even seeing Sam weeping had an affect on Dean. Had he screwed everything up so badly that Dean's heart had practically turned into a stone when concerning Sam? This helped his waterworks escalate and the sobs racked his entire frame. When exactly had life become so screwed up? Sam thought.

Now Sam couldn't even bear to look into Dean's eyes. If he would look all he would see was emotionless pits with no love or any emotion for Sam at all. Sam didn't think he could bear to see that. So Sam kept his head low and when Dean came up to him and asked him if he was okay, Sam didn't bother raising his head. Keeping his head low, Sam carefully nodded making sure Dean didn't see his face and realize the pain he had caused Sam by not comforting him like before. This wasn't his brother. The brother he knew would have immediately known what was wrong by looking at him. This stone cold brother was not the one whom he had looked up to all his life.

Just then Dean said, "Well it's almost 7 and I am making breakfast so if you want you can shower and come down to eat." With that Dean exited the room.

Sam sat in the bed for a min or two with his head in his hands. His tears had finally stopped, now that his tear jerker brother was out of the room. The nightmare was still vivid in his mind. Sam felt miserable as he thought about past times. Nostalgia didn't take him anywhere. All it did was to increase the dull throbbing ache in his head. Sam felt as though he had spent all his time knocking on a door that once used to open but was now permanently rusted shut.

Sam disentangled himself from the blankets and walked to his duffel. In the duffel, he reached his hand towards the corner and took out the amulet that had once belonged to Dean. Staring at it made Sam feel remorseful and full of self pity. Dean didn't want him around anymore. The only person who he had thought loved him the most now loved him the least. A fresh round of tears fell as past memories flashed through his head at lightning fast rate. More tears dripped down his cheeks. Rubbing at his eyes, carefully collecting himself, Sam picked up a fresh change of clothes and walked to the bathroom.

Half hour later, Sam walked downstairs to breakfast.

At the table he found Bobby sitting alone eating bacon and eggs.

"Where is Dean?" Sam asked as he sat down across Bobby at the table.

"Out" Bobby replied in his gruff voice "working on his car"

The rest of the food was consumed in silence as Sam and Bobby sat lost in their own thoughts the whole time. Bobby cleared his throat and Sam was knocked out of his thoughts.

"I am going to the library. You want anything else boy?" Bobby asked him

Sam shook his head and Bobby wheeled himself to the library. Just then Sam's cell phone chose to ring. Looking at the caller id Sam saw that it was Ruby calling. Sam glanced around once to see if either Bobby or Dean were around and quickly answered the phone.

"Ruby. What are you calling for?" Sam asked annoyed by the fact that she had called when he had clearly told her to stay low for some time so he could sort things out with Dean.

"Wow. Whats got your boxers in a knot?" came back from the other line

"I thought I had asked you not to call" Sam huffed

"Yeah well whateva. I got a new lead on Lilith. So I was thinking that it has been a long time since we have practiced. So how bout tonight?

"Ruby you know that I can't. I need to sort things out with Dean first then we can do all the practice there is to do."

"Oh yeah well I am sure you can sort things out when Dean's back burning away in hell when Lilith claims him back. You can sort things later. Lilith comes first. This could be our only chance."

This tensed Sam. And a hiss of anger escaped his mouth.

"I recall you saying that the last time too and the time before that also. There might be other chances to come but I am not giving up on Dean for now. Just a few more days then we'll see"

"Sam don't start that argu-" Ruby replied

"I'll call you later" Sam quickly cut her off and shut the phone on seeing Dean enter the room.

Dean entered the room and saw Sam cut off the phone on seeing him. Dean went over to the kitchen, picked a glass of water and said, "Oh that's fine. You don't need to stop talking to your girlfriend .I am just drinking water and then I'll be out of your hair. You can then discuss your dates in peace."

"Dean it wasn't her-"Sam shouted out

But by then Dean had left the room. Great. So now Dean had heard him talking to Ruby and had been hurt. Sam sighed out loud in frustration. Everything was so messed up. He sighed.


	6. luck is bad and trust is hard

After catching him talking to Ruby again, Dean walked out back towards his car. Sam would just never stop would he? Why couldn't he see that Ruby was just playing games with him? She was crafty and cunning and Hello! She was a demon for god's sake. Demons were not to be meddled with. Their father had drilled this in them for a very early age. Yet here was Sam, going against everything they had ever believed in, practically walking out on him just to go and do something based on misplaced intentions. Had Dean's wish accounted for so little in Sam's book that after Dean was rotting away in hell, Sam jumped to the first opportunity to use his freaky psychic ESP stuff. Didn't his thoughts account for anything at all for Sam? Dean brooded over this while he polished the outer surface of his baby.

Things had changed so much. At least, his baby hadn't changed at all. He still had her, right next to him. Sometimes Dean felt that his baby was the only thing that would never abandon him. Never leave him alone. Would always be by his side. After all, time and time again in his life his family had abandoned him. First Sam going to Stanford, then their dad leaving him to hunt alone, then Sam coming back only to abandon and betray him all over again. Would the cycle never stop? Only the impala had never left his side. His faithful baby was the only one that didn't leave him like the others. Reason why Dean loved the car so much.

Dean spent the remainder of the day out working on his baby. Away from the house. Away from Sam. Because it just plain hurt to be there near Sam. He found solace in the Chevy's company. It comforted him. At least some things hadn't changed. Later in the evening Bobby wheeled himself out.

"Come in and have some food boy" he said

"Yeah yeah" came back Dean's non committal reply.

"You have been working on the thing since morning. It looks great. Now come in and take a break."

Dean sighed. He knew Bobby could be as stubborn as a mule when it came to things. So without further argument he followed him inside. On going inside, Dean found that Sam had already laid out the plates and the food and was waiting for them. Great! So Sam still hadn't left trying to make up to him. Dean had thought that when he had told him to stop at the motel , Sam for once would listen to him and stop the damn effort but apparently no. great Sammy! Just great! Sam was so obviously trying to make up for the morning's call by the food he had cooked.

The three of them sat down to dinner in entire silence. Looks like Sam had been busy. He had made meat loaf, actually cooked it for dinner. Dean couldn't remember the last time that he had had an actual home cooked meal in a long time. "Hell yeah kid! You can cook!" Bobby said taking the first bite of the meat loaf. Sam smiled a tiny smile. In a way it made Dean remember about past times. When their dad would be gone for days at a time, and he would cook at times for Sam. He had enjoyed it so much. He was ashamed to admit that he had actually liked doing chick stuff for once.

Nostalgia made it harder for the food to go past Dean's throat. Memories wove in and out of his head. The meal passed in silence. After the meal was over, Bobby said, "Okay now let's get down to business shall we? There have been 3 missing people with no connection to each other what so ever in the last 2 weeks. All found dead in an abandoned hotel with 3 knives poking straight to their heart. Get this part straight, all three girls were about the age of 25, all of them brunettes, other than that no relation at all. You guys should head there and check it out before another brunette goes with a free ticket to the graveyard."

"It sounds like an easy case. I think I should go and clear it up alone." Dean said.

"Obviously not! The thing it sounds dangerous. I am coming along too. No way in hell I am letting you go off on your own." Sam said.

"Oh so now all of a sudden you are concerned about my safety? I'll be fine. I can do it all alone." Dean replied. Hurt flashed in Sam's eyes on hearing this. How could Dean think about it in this way? Of course he would be concerned for his elder brother's safety. Didn't Dean think that Sam would care for him even that much? Then another thought flashed through Sam's mind- one that shocked him to his core. Dean didn't trust him or want him along anymore. Dean saw Sam being hurt but he didn't really want to take back his words either. Sam hadn't cared when he had said all that stuff about him being weak or Sam being the better hunter, so why should he care all of a sudden?

"And what exactly am I supposed to do here?" Sam asked keeping his voice carefully low.

"Do you really need options? I don't know stick around in the library; go practice your ESP stuff. Its not like you are short of things to do .I don't know or care about what you do but I am going alone and that's final" Dean said with a finality

"Would you two idjits give it a rest?" Bobby said interrupting whatever Sam was going to say. "Dean, I think Sam's right. The case is dangerous. I think the two of you should go together."

Dean opened his mouth to argue but Bobby cut back in

"Dean what is your problem? Why can't Sam come along? It never hurts to have backup."

"I don't need back up and neither does he. We are fine alone and I can manage this hunt on my own."

"Shut up Dean. What happened to the old 'you always have to have a back up? Never go off alone unless you are sure of what it is.' Isn't this what your old man taught you or are you now considering yourself to be as good as him to finish off the hunt alone?" Bobby retorted.

"Bobby, I just think this case is easy enough for me to go alone." Dean made an attempt to get up signaling that the topic was closed when Bobby pulled him back down in his chair. Sam watched the conversation going back and forth between his brother and Bobby.

"Dean don't you trust me enough to have your back however simple or tough a case?" Sam asked his voice cutting low and clears through it all. Sam hadn't wanted those words to slip out of his mouth but they just did and he found himself unable to stop. Sam had sadness written over his face.

Dean didn't reply. All he did was to lower his eyes evasively. The answer was clear enough on his face. Sam saw it written as clear as day. Dean didn't want him along as back up because he didn't trust him anymore. Miserable Sam lowered his head. Things were just so screwed. Was forgiving him so hard? Had things become so fucked up?

Bobby cleared his throat and broke the suffocating uncomfortable silence. "Whatever Dean. Either you take Sam along as back up or you aren't going there at all. The case is dangerous and if this fact doesn't get into that pretty little head of yours, I am afraid you won't be going at all" said Bobby now sounding like a strict father to a troublesome teenager to Dean.

"But Bobby people could get killed."

"Exactly my point. You could get killed too. So if you want to leave, you are taking back up or not going at all." Bobby said

"Fine" Dean agreed sullenly. And went ahead to pack his duffel.

"Thanks" Sam muttered gratefully to Bobby

"Don't mention it" Bobby replied back

Bobby sat back in front of the TV while Sam went back to his room to pack his belongings.

When Sam opened the door of his room he found a guest sitting for him at his bed.

Ruby sat lounging on the bed, at complete ease as though she owned the place.

"Ruby what the hell is you doing here?" said Sam keeping his voice carefully low making sure neither Bobby nor Dean heard anything at all.

"I thought we had agreed to have a little bit of practice before your next shot at Lilith."

"I told you. There will be other chances. There is no need for you to come rushing to my house in the middle of the night just so we could practice." Sam said

"Wow! You didn't used to be this grumpy when Dean was roasting away in hell. I do remember you being really compliant and needy. Guess we have all changed."

"Lay low for a while would you? Dean's still pissed about the fact that I was talking to you in the morning." Sam huffed

"Oh who cares about that? Dean's not going to be pissed for any longer. Once you gank Lilith, you have all the time in the world to go about making things up with Dean. He'll forgive you eventually and you know it." Ruby retorted.

"He won't forgive me." Sam insisted more stubbornly, more to himself than to her as though trying to convince himself.

"Oh yes he will and you know it. Once you kill Lilith, you can live a free life again. No one will ever again threaten Dean's existence. You know it that till Lilith's alive she might come anytime and claim Dean's soul back. She still has his contract you know. With Lilith out of your way, your revenge will be complete. Dean will be safe. Now it's your choice what you want. You want a happy and trusting Dean being sent back to hell forever or you want a slightly pissed grumpy Dean safe from hell and Lilith. It's your choice." Ruby replied more convincingly than ever.

Ruby could see it on Sam's face that he was convinced. She knew it. She had smelt an easy victory here. Now that they were past 1 hurdle, she still had to convince him to drink a bit more juice.

"Sam lets start now. You want some juice now or later?"

"Ruby I am not doing that anymore." Sam said his voice weak and tired. But his voice sound weak to himself too and he knew before he had started it that it was a lost battle.

"Sam do we really have to go over all this all over again? You know what will happen if you don't drink. You won't be able to take on Lilith. And Dean would so become a donught once again. Come on. You know how imp it is. Don't make me spell it out for ya."

Sam nodded. His head low. He would do this just this once. One last time. He could kill Lilith and then he would never drink a drop of that demonic essence. One last time he would have a chance at saving his brother forever. One last time. For revenge. For Dean. For the world.

Ruby smiled and walked up to him. She kissed him softly. Then she slowly took out her knife and with a smirk she slit her forearm. The essence started flowing out and Sam unable to help himself inched himself nearer to her to take in the blood.

Just then the door to his room opened. Sam was just inches away from tasting the drug when he saw Dean standing in the doorway with his mouth open. Dread and fear of rejection, pain filled him to the very core as he watched Dean stand in the doorway with his mouth open a horrified expression on his face.

He stood there transfixed, staring at Dean. Why couldn't anything ever go right? He just had about the worst luck in the world. The Winchester luck worked wonders. Sam thought staring at Dean who was glued to the spot. Sam finally knew the feeling of a deer in headlights.


	7. rejection hurts

Dean walked towards the couch and started packing his duffel. As he packed he thought about the hunt. Of course! It had to be Bobby who fought on Sam's behalf. Why couldn't Bobby just get that simple fact that they weren't in any shape to hunt right now together. Handling the whole thing alone would have been so much better. And then the topic of trust came up. Trust was as thin as dust these days. How could Sam expect Dean to trust him when he had clearly gone against everything that Dean had ever said? After devoting your entire life to someone, if this is what you got, then he wasn't sure that he even understood the concept of family or if he ever had, thought Dean bitterly. He sighed. The sooner they finished the hunt the sooner they could get back on the road away from Bobby trying to pry and mend things between the two of them. Dean zipped the duffel. He stood up and stretched. He decided to walk back up to Sam's room to inform him that they would be leaving at 9 the following morning. Dean walked up to the door and knocked. When no one answered the door, Dean hesitantly opened the door. What he saw then shocked him to his very core. To watch his brother do something so utterly unthinkable came as a shock to Dean. It rendered him unable to speak. He stood there, appalled his mouth open, his face a mask of disgust and horror. How had Sam gone so wrong? How had Dean screwed up so badly in raising Sam that Sam turned out to be like this? Gradually Dean regained the ability to speak.

By now, Sam had straightened up and moving away from Ruby, he stood there gaping at Dean, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Once Sam got himself back in control, he started forwards towards Dean and said, "Dean let me explain—"

But Dean was beyond livid now and would listen to no amount of reasoning. Dean's face masked into one of disappointment and weariness. He cut Sam off and said, "There is nothing left to explain. Hell right now, I don't care. I don't give a rat's ass about what you do with that demon bitch. There is nothing left to say now." and with that Dean marched out of the room.

"Dean Wait" Sam shouted but his shout fell to deaf ears. Dean was already out of the room slamming the door behind him. Sam turned behind to tell Ruby off but on turning he found that somehow during the confrontation she had slipped. Sighing tiredly, Sam walked back downstairs to try to convince Dean and to talk some sense into him. Sam ran downstairs only to find Dean sitting on the couch with a hurt and disappointed a whiskey in his hands.

Dean walked back downstairs with a miserable and disappointed feeling. How could Sam do this? Right now, all he felt like doing was drowning him in a bottle of whiskey. And this is exactly what he did. A few minutes later, he found himself sloshing whiskey in the bottle, feeling the familiar feeling of losing himself in the burn in his throat as the all too familiar liquid washed down upon him.

Sam stood in front of Dean apprehensively wondering how to even begin explaining the mess he had made of things. As Sam stood wondering where to begin, Dean said, "Spare yourself would you? I don't want to listen. Not now. Not ever. I don't want to listen to how you got addicted to this damn drug nor how you chose a demon's advice over our principals or how she is practically family to you now or how all of a sudden doing something monstrous as drinking blood is okay to you. So don't try to explain. You can't" Sam choked down sobs as Dean said these words. Dean would surely hate him now. He had really done it this time. If he had thought that the siren was bad then he had had no idea of what would this little secret of his now do to their already shambled relationship?

"Dean you have to understand. I am not choosing her over you or anything. It's just that I have to kill Lilith. I am doing this for you. She has the best leads. It's why I resort to her. And I am not addicted to this blood alright.—"

"Please stop would you. I don't want to listen to your lies anymore. Now really man. I am tired of your lies and excuses. We used to be brothers but you spoilt everything. I am just tired. You can go right ahead and do what you want. Don't mind me. After all how could you? Just who am I in your life. Just a weak and pathetic excuse of a hunter brother. So really you can just stop. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. I don't want to listen to your lies, your excuses just about everything. Tell you what. You can go right ahead and continue your drink with that witch in peace. Don't let me interrupt your 'little secret session cum date'. So just go Sam. I don't want to talk about it anymore." And with that Dean turned away from Sam. Finished his whiskey in 1 swig, he lay down sideways on the couch, his back against Sam.

These words of Dean had hurt Sam worse than anything else he could have said. It hurt to hear your family disown you. It hurt to hear rejection so strong in Dean's voice. It just plain hurt. Tear track made its way down Sam's cheek. As Sam turned back towards Dean, to walk back upstairs, he heard a sob coming from the couch. He turned back and saw Dean still in the same position. Thinking it to be his imagination, Sam turned back and walked right back upstairs. Little did he know that he had just left behind a 30 yr old shedding tears for the only family he had ever had.


	8. thin trust means being unloved

Dean woke up at 6 the next morning feeling miserable and unhappy. With the last night's events still fresh in his mind, he decided to dress up and leave for the hunt. Better to go off alone than face Sam and all the huge amount of hurt and hatred that came along with it. It was so much easier to breath without Sam being around. Sam being around meant a huge load of hurt and grief dumped on both their shoulders. This way both could breath easier. And it would be so much easier to hunt without having to watch out for a brother who could land himself into trouble anytime with his esp. stuff.

But Dean knew he was kidding himself whenever he thought such things about Sam. No matter what happened, he could never stop looking out for Sam. Never stop caring for him. Never stop protecting him. No matter how things were between them, Dean could never deny the fact that his heart still ached for the little boy Sam was before. It pained him to look at Sam like this. Yet it was Sam who made all these decisions. His very own brother. And if his own brother pushed him away and went against him, then Dean wasn't going to hang around to watch. If that's what Sammy wanted, then he got it. Maybe it was better to just leave while he had the chance. What was the point of staying around, in pain to watch Sam getting drunk on the hell bitch's essence and being robbed of his last shreds of humanity?

But what about his promise to his father? His father's last words still echoed in his mind to this date. Take care of Sammy. That's all Dean had been trying to do since he had come back from hell. But Sammy kept pushing him away making it as difficult as it could ever be. Anyways now was not the time to indulge in thoughts of the past. Hunt came first. Dean thought as he picked up his duffel and walked towards the door. Just then Dean heard his name being called and turned around to see Sam standing at the foot of the stairs his duffel in his hand.

"What are you doing up so early?" Dean asked

"What do you mean? I thought we were going on the hunt" Sam said

"Oh I don't know. I thought you must be really tired and hung-over after last night's little date cum drinking session with your girlfriend." Dean replied sarcastically.

"Dean at least listen to me what I have to say for what I did-"

"Sam I am seriously not in the mood to go for this discussion now. I don't know or care what you do anymore. You can go and suck her dry like a damn junkie for all I care because from where I see it-you are nothing more than a blood addict who once used to be my brother." At the end Dean's voice wavered and his voice sounded rougher than he had meant it to.

Sam choked back a sob at Dean's harsh words. No one understood him nowadays. He was all alone.

"Sam. There is something I don't get. Why do you still stay around me? You said yourself- I hold you back and I am weaker than you. So what I don't get is why you even bother to stay around n lie to me left and right about what you truly do? It obviously seems to take a lot of effort to stay together. So why don't you just forget all this and walk away?" Dean asked anger and hurt evident in his voice.

"Dean you're my brother." Sam said amidst a continuous stream of tears.

Dean snorted and looked away.

"What is going on here? You both are about as silent as a bunch of buffaloes." Said Bobby rolling his wheel chair towards them, stifling a yawn.

"Dean?" he asked

"Nothing" Dean replied "I was just on my way for the hunt." And with that Dean turned away.

Sam followed behind silently, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Dean sat in the impala's driving seat looking at a map. Sam walked towards shotgun when

Dean asked, "What are you doing? I thought I had made it clear that this was my solo hunt or did u miss out on the fact somehow?"

"Dean I thought we were over this last night. You are to take Sam with you or you won't move you ass from here at all." Said Bobby wheeling himself behind Sam, taking Sam's side again, blissfully unaware of last night's events.

"Bobby that was last night. Things have changed a lot. Haven't they Sam?" Dean asked

Sam suddenly seemed to find his feet far more interesting.

"Why? Overnight your brains got whitewashed or what? Dean doesn't start this again please. Talk sense boy. Its dangerous to go alone and you know it."

"Whatever. I still think Sam should stay here. I can go alone. Or if it's the matter about my safety, I am sure this case is a easy one or if you want I can call another hunter as backup" Dean huffed

Sam looked up at this and when his eyes met with Dean, for a moment all he could see was hurt and betrayal etched deeply. They stared into each others eyes briefly before Dean broke the contact and looked at the ground.

"Oh Kay lets see. Who would just happen to be a good hunter in the area other than you. Oh sorry lets see. That would be Sam" Bobby said

Dean sighed. It was just so useless to argue with Bobby. He was pig headed when it came to arguments...

"Whatever. Fine we are going." Dean said and opened the door to the driver's seat.

Sam climbed in the passenger seat and they drove off.

"Idjits" said Bobby softly as they drove away.

The ride was long and dull and was definitely not the best one either of them had had. The ride was uncomfortable and silence hung over the two of them. No music played in the stereo. Dean sat with hands clutching the steering wheel, looking straight ahead the entire time. Sam meanwhile sat in the shotgun, looking out of the window at the dull scenery passing by.

The need to make things better itched Sam. Thoughts flowed in and out of his head. His heart ached from last night's fight and this morning's discussion. Dean had made it clear that he didn't trust Sam anymore. The more Sam thought about it, this fact seemed to stand out against all other. It was as clear as day. And it hurt like a bitch. He knew he deserved all of it , Dean had every right to be mad at him and not to trust him anymore , hell he didn't trust himself anymore either , yet he couldn't help but think, was it so wrong to want to be loved again? Didn't he deserve even a piece of Dean's heart , a bit of his love and care? Was he such a screw up? His heart ached from the distance between them. He itched to hear Dean's voice full of love and humor. He wanted Dean's care and love so badly that it hurt not to have it anymore. He hadn't realized that things between them were so screwed up. The distance so wide that Sam felt that he could never cross it again. It was like trying to cover miles at a snail's speed. It seemed so impossible to get his brother's affection back. It simply hurt. Sam didn't realize when he accidently spoke his thoughts aloud.

"We used to be so close. We used to have each others backs. Why did it all have to get destroyed? I screwed up big time didn't I?"

Dean glanced at Sam, his eyes sad, his expression heartbroken.

Then Dean rearranged his features. It killed him to say such things to Sam but …..

"Sam. I am not in a mood now. I don't want to hear your voice. Please not now Sam."

Sam nodded his throat tight. His tears making it difficult to breathe. He nodded once more, not trusting his voice.

Sam closed his eyes. His head hurt, he felt weak and Dean had shut him out completely.

He felt miserable. He had no idea how to make this better. He hated feeling so confused and sad, so desperate for Dean's approval. He hadn't realized what he had done.

If only Dean took him back in again. If only Dean broke down those damn hardened walls that he had put around himself and let Sam back in. If only he found some way, just some possible desperate way to be loved again by Dean , he would go to the ends of the earth to find it. These were his last miserable thoughts before he succumbed into sleep.


	9. being pushed sucks

Sam woke up to the sound of the impala's tires squealing. The car jerked to a stop. Sam woke up and rubbed his eyes. It had been a fitful sleep induced with lousy heart aching nightmares. It always hurt like a bitch when such dreams came. Turning to his left he looked to see Dean staring at him with a twinge of guilt and concern. However, the moment the concern appeared it vanished, hiding deep behind Dean's stone cold walls.

Carefully schooling his features in a mask of indifference, Dean said, "I am going to get rooms for us."

Something seemed off to Sam. And then it clicked.

"Why are you getting two rooms for us?" Sam asked sitting a bit straighter.

"Why? You got a problem with that? I just want to be alone and it's obvious that you want to be too so…"

Something snapped inside Sam. All his feelings of hurt and being unloved just rushed out and he snapped at Dean.

"Oh so now all of a sudden you want to be alone? I am sorry I must have failed to notice the fact that up till now all these years we have stayed in 2 rooms instead of 1."

"Sam seriously. Stop trying to draw this out more than it should be." with that Dean began to turn towards the motel's office.

"No way Dean. I will draw this out as much as I want to. Tell me exactly why do you feel the need to stay alone? Can't bear me much longer can you?" Sam gave a bitter laugh.

Dean sighed and looked away. Sam had thought Dean would at least protest against the statement but Dean's silence hurt more than his words. Sam suddenly felt as though something huge was crushing his heart. Grief clenched his heart and undiluted fear of abandonment bubbled in his stomach. It must have showed on his face and the next thing Dean said confirmed it.

"I will go get us 1 room. Fine? Honestly you don't have to make a huge issue about it."

Sam sighed tiredly. Thank god Dean agreed to get 1 room because after all of what had happened; Sam didn't think he was ready to be left alone. What did he know that the moment Dean got his chance; Dean would not leave him alone and walk away? After bearing 4 months without Dean, more separation from him would crush him and he knew it.

Sam jarred out of his mind when Dean threw a room key at him and walked ahead with his duffel to the room. Sam stared at his brother's retreating figure and after a moment or two followed him towards the room.

He walked in to see Dean unpacking his duffel. Dean didn't even acknowledge his presence. Grabbing a change of clothes, Dean walked past him to the bathroom without a word. Sam felt so tired of it all.

He hated it when Dean ignored him like this. Right now, all he wanted to do was to shake some sense in his brother, make him understand what he did and why he did. He hated it when Dean got belligerent or ignored him altogether. What wouldn't he give now, just to turn back the wheels and cross the huge distance between them, slice right through all the dust in between and just become the little Sammy he once was?

He wanted to go back in time just to feel Dean's unvoiced love and concern for him, to hear the worry in Dean's voice when something wrong happened, to have Dean mother him when he got hurt, to hear the silent rage in Dean's voice when anyone tried to mess with him, to hear Dean's snarky comments and the oh so affectionate nickname of bitch. Most of all, he wanted to hear Dean call him Sammy once more, love underlying in the name. He missed it all so much. It felt like such a long time since he had felt any of this that his heart ached for them. Was it too much to ask to have someone love him unconditionally despite what he was, was it too much to wish upon all the stars to get those moments back?

Staring at the amulet that once belonged to Dean, increased his angst. More memories came back. Memories of love carved their way into his mind. Sam's heart ached with memories. He didn't realize when exactly he got so caught up in his trip down the memory lane that tear tracks made their way down his cheeks.

Dean stepped out of the bathroom. The whole day had been such a lousy one. And to top it all, Sam had been itching to fight over measly matters. What did it matter if they stayed in one room or two? It's not like Sam enjoyed being around him any longer? So it shouldn't have made such a huge difference right?

Dean walked into the room only to see Sam creating puddles on the bed. Sam sat with his back against the bed frame, his fist closed around something, tears escalating from those wonderful puppy dog eyes that used to break Dean's heart each time. Seeing Sam in such a broken state, made Dean Feel remorseful. Maybe he had been too hard on him.

But then a ghost of Sam's hurtful words floated in and stung Dean's heart. This washed away all the remorse Dean was feeling. The wounds of Sam's actions and words against him, still fresh and raw, did not like being poked at by Sam's tears. Yes it hurt like a mother to see Sam in so much pain but helplessness to do anything about it hurt more. Knowing he couldn't do anything. If this would have been Sammy, the brother Dean had left behind on his downstairs picnic, then Dean would have immediately comforted him. But now that Sammy had changed into Sam, the hardened John Winchester perfect hunter, Dean had no idea how to comfort him. How could he, when Sam kept pushing away?

And Sam wouldn't like to be comforted now either. So why make things more difficult than they already were. And the distance between them was too wide for Dean to cross alone anyway. It was Sam who had pushed him apart and created the distance in the first place. How could he just ignore something as plain as day?

Forcing Sam's tears behind his walls, in a deep corner in his heart, Dean walked over to his bed and sat down. Fixing his gaze on the wall behind Sam, he asked, "You okay?"

Sam's eyes opened and he saw Dean wearing a mask of nonchalance. Not trusting himself to speak without breaking down completely, Sam shook his head. Dean didn't reply. He too nodded his head and turned away. Reaching over himself, Dean shut the light. Lying on his bed, unable to help himself, he whispered to Sam, "Try to get some sleep."

Dean looked over at Sam in the darkness and saw Sam turn his head towards him and nod slightly. He then turned his back towards Dean.

Dean couldn't sleep the entire night. Sam's tears kept coming back to him. When he closed his eyes, an image of a broken Sam immediately projected itself in front of his eyes. Unable to sleep, Dean tossed and turned the entire night. He hated to see his brother in pain and hated it even more to remind himself time over and over again, that it wasn't his brother in there. It was a hunter, hardened, strong and perfect who didn't need to look up to his older brother anymore.

He hated being pushed away like this. All his life, Sam had looked up to him and now being suddenly discarded like a rag doll hurt more than he could tell. It stabbed his heart deeply. Why did he have to be the one to be abandoned each time by each of his family members and by Sam more times than he could count? They never thought about how he felt. But when Sam did the same mistake over and over again, knowing what it did to him, it just hurt more.

Abandonment was a bitch. But this time Sam hadn't just pushed him away, he had practically thrown him out. Out of his life and out of his heart. It hurt to be replaced. That too by a demon bitch who paved the road for his brother to reach hell safely with her screwed up essence.

Betrayal sucked. Replacement sucked. Abandonment sucked. His life sucked to the core. Closing his eyes, Dean soon fell into a troubled sleep filled with horrifying nightmares of his brother burning in hell all thanks to the free ride given to him by the hell bitch.


	10. the world stops and everything falls

The next morning Dean woke up feeling worse than ever. That night had been a lousy one for Dean. The burning image of his brother wove in and out of his fitful dreams while a laughter that sounded suspiciously like Ruby's mocking voice rang in the background. He looked over to Sam's bed and saw that the bed was empty. Just then the motel room door opened and Sam stepped in with 2 take away bags of breakfast. The two of them sat in silence avoiding each other's gazes. Breakfast was conducted in their usual manner. Silence had now become their 24/7 companion.

After the plates were thrown, Dean said, "We should get going. Did u research anything?"

"I have been doing some research. Turns out that a brunette was murdered recently last week and the killings have been going on for some years now. There is a pattern. A few years back a brunette had been a victim the same way. She was the first one. Her name was Christina Styles. She was murdered by her boyfriend on their first date"

"Kay fine. We can go check out her grave. Sounds like a vengeful spirit to me. The sooner we can get this over with, the sooner we can go." Dean said and stood up to go.

"Dean I think we should first do some more research."

"What's there to research about? It's a simple ABC case. It's just another friggin betrayal story. It's just a vengeful spirit. We can go tonight unless you have some other plans to meet your girlfriend tonight for another one of juicy sessions."

Sam looked down in shame as the memory of that night filled his mind and the ghost of the tears he had heard Dean shed for him, floated in.

Immediately after saying, Dean felt bad. He shouldn't have leveled that at Sam. But then immediately his walls came back up pushing Sam out. Sam hadn't thought of his feelings when he had betrayed him or when he had gotten high on that bitch's essence. Why should he care when his brother pushed him out. It wasn't of any use to care about someone who had once loved and idolized you, but through it all hurt you and betrayed you over and over again so bad that it hurt just to be with that very someone.

Dean walked out of the room towards his impala. His trusted car, his baby, was the only one in front of whom he could let out all of his feelings without fear of betrayal or judgment. All through his life, he had never allowed himself to let go of his walls around anyone. Sam could once pierce them just with one look but now Sam's betrayals had just cemented those walls harder. Sitting inside the impala, Dean finally made himself let go of all his closed up feelings.

Tears rolled off his cheeks in waves. It was now that he could truly allow himself to feel the pain his brother gave him each minute. He could finally let that careful nonchalant mask of his, slip by and let the true emotions show. He could now let go of all that compressed anger towards Ruby and all of his suppressed betrayed emotions that always bordered on outburst when he was with Sam.

He was now truly all alone in this world. There was no one left with him. Everyone left him. Dad. Mom. Sam left him at least a dozen times just for some deep cherished desire. but what hurt the most was that when he sacrificed everything for one sole person ~ Sam ~ when he gave up his life for him , when he did horrendous deeds in hell just so Sam could breathe a moment longer each time , all Sam did was replace him , leave him , betray him and get over him.

The ease with which Sam got over his death troubled him. it made him truly consider exactly why he loved someone so much who didn't have the time to shed even a few measly tears over his broken hell burnt self because that someone was apparently so caught up in his ill fated date with destiny that he didn't have time for his brother anymore. It just hurt so damn much.

They had both been drifting apart for quite some time now. Drifting so far that the distance was too wide to cross. The dust too much to clear alone. The distance between them plain hurt. They used to be so close and now they couldn't wait to get away from each other. Dean sat in silence contemplating all of this as waves of sadness washed over him.

Sam watched all of this from the motel room window. It was disheartening to him to see that the only place Dean now felt comfortable with was his car. Before it used to be him whom Dean opened up to.

Now it was the impala. After the disastrous encounter with the siren , where Sam had thrown whatever Dean had revealed to him right back in Dean's face, Dean didn't trust him the least bit. And Sam feared that he never would .

As the sun kissed goodbye , Dean came back inside the room and quietly walked over to his bed and sat down. Dean remained there staring off into space until late at night when Sam cleared his throat , " I think we should get going now." Dean nodded his head and walked out of the room towards the impala.

Through it all , Sam felt insulted and hurt. Throughout the hunt , Dean eyed him with cold , untrusting eye. Sam felt it was an insult for Dean to have to look at him with calculative eyes in a hunt. Had he screwed up Dean's trust so bad? It hurt so damn much to have his only support , his very own dear brother , look at him with mistrust rooted deep in his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at Dean in the eye now. Each time he looked , all he saw was mistrust and coldness. Deep rooted shame and guilt rose each time he looked .it hurt so much now.

They reached the graveyard by midnight and soon got to work. It was supposed to be a simple hunt but of course nothing ever was simple for the Winchesters.

Finding the grave took quite some time. After about half an hour of searching , Christina's grave was found. Dean set to digging first while Sam kept watch.

As soon as the first grains of salt fell over Christina's bones , Christina herself appeared pearly white , beautiful even in her imprint. Sam saw the ghost appear and shot rounds of salt at her. However the spirit found an opening and chucked Sam towards the ground.

Sam watched through half hazy eyes. It seemed as though the world had stooped moving or had suddenly slowed down. Every minute detail was clear. He saw the spirit rush towards Dean. He saw Dean look up , worry and confusion clearly etched on his face . The spirit rushed forward with 3 knives ready to skewer Dean alive. It was all hazy to Sam until the spirit went after his brother.

No way was he going to lose over his brother over some bitch with an unfortunate history. Undiluted fear bubbled in his stomach as a new thought occurred to him. What if Dean was killed and Lilith claimed his soul back? What if Dean had to return back to the hellish nightmare he had endured because of Sam? No way was he going to let that happen. He was not going to lose his brother ever again. Maybe if he did save Dean , Dean would take him back and forgive him after all.

These were his last thoughts as he rushed towards Dean just in time to take the poisoned freaking knives to his heart. He heard a dull thump. He could feel the warmness oozing out of his chest. He was starting to feel cold , light and dizzy. Black spots were dancing before his eyes. He heard Dean shout out , " Sam! No!" he could hear Dean muttering words of encouragement and relief mixed with curses to him but it all sounded so vague. He tried to open his mouth and explain his actions but no words fell out of his mouth. The last thing he heard before he succumbed to darkness was Dean's broken cry , " Sam! Why? Why did you ?"


	11. and when guilt swallows everything

_**No way was he going to lose his brother ever again. What if Dean was killed and Lilith claimed his soul back? He was not going to lose his brother ever again. Maybe if he did save Dean, Dean would take him back and forgive him after all. **_

_**These were his last thoughts as he rushed towards Dean just in time to take the poisoned freaking knives to his heart.**_

_**The last thing he heard before he succumbed to darkness was Dean's broken cry, "Sam! Why? Why did you?"**_

They say that one moment is enough to break your entire life. Dean had thought that he had lost the ability to be hurt anymore because of his brother. But when Sam jumped in front of him to take the knives to heart, the hurt expanded to a thousand further levels. It took 3 knives to Sam's heart that finally made him realize the undeniable truth. No matter what happened, no matter what came in between them, the love could never be erased. The bonds of brotherhood and love had them tied to each other so tight that any breakage was impossible.

The moment the knives penetrated to touch Sam's heart, Dean realized that his own heart had been crushed. The pain was numbing. Dean hadn't thought he could ever feel that bad. The pain squeezed his heart. He found it difficult to breath. The broken form of his brother seemed to be etched permanently in his mind. The wounds of the knives permanently etched in his heart. It hurt. So much. Seeing his brother slump in his arms, against his chest, knocked Dean out of his grief.

It was then that the urge to save his brother, the deep buried protectiveness and love that hadn't surfaced for quite some time now kicked in. flashing his cell phone out, Dean shouted angry words on the phones, concern and worry marking his every word.

Looking down at Sammy, he kept up a constant stream of encouragement lined with curses.

"Come-on Sammy. Don't u give up on me now. Keep your eyes open. Please from me. How could you? Sam! Why? Why did you? Shit! This damn wound is bleeding like a damn fountain. Come on. Just few more minutes Sammy. You hear me? The ambulance is coming. Just hold on for me please. Kiddo can you hear me?"

then he noticed the wound on Sam's head from where he had got hurt. Clearly a concussion. "Son of a –"

"Sammy u stay with me now do u hear me. Open your eyes please. For me. Stay awake now. You can't leave me now. Please." Dean said as a final plea. Desperation evident in his voice.

Just then the siren of the ambulance broken in through Dean's desperation and pleas. "Sammy the ambulance is here. They will make you fine. You hear me? Your going to be alright and then you are going to go back to being a pain in my ass again. Do you hear me?" Dean felt for Sam's pulse. Feeling a faint throb, Dean jumped into action.

Shouting wildly to no one in particular he said, "Get here fast you friggin people. My brother is dying. He needs help. Now."

The paramedics came over just then and moved Dean out of the way. "Sir you are getting in the way. Please sir." One of the paramedics shouted at Dean for constantly getting in their way as they slapped his brother to a gurney. In a few brisk seconds, Sam was loaded on the stretcher and packed off in the ambulance. Dean rode in the back of the ambulance. Holding Sammy's hand, constantly muttering words of relief.

Everything felt surreal to him. The next few hours past in a blur. The ride to the hospital took a whole of 17 minutes which turned out to be the worst 17 minutes of Dean's life. He couldn't bear to sit still while his brother had the sword of life hung over his head.

The wait was too long. And then after 17 frigging minutes, or a few million hours later to Dean, the ambulance reached the hospital. The paramedics hurriedly rushed Sam into the hospital while Dean tagged along worrying incessantly. Of course the moment Sam entered the operation theatre Dean was pushed out by the hospital staff.

"You don't understand! It's my brother there. I need to be there with him."

"Sir, please try to understand. We can't let you in there."

"Screw the hospital rules. My brother needs me. You can go right away to hell with your god damn rules."

"Sir pls. tries to understand. If you don't control yourself, then we are going to have to remove you forcefully." At this, Dean suddenly lost all of his rush. He slumped down tiredly against one of the chairs. Rubbing a hand over his face he sighed, "God please help my brother. Make him okay."

Then followed the long hours of wait while his brother was being operated. It was now that the guilt broke in and a huge wave of sadness and guilt crashed over him. He felt remorse that touched his soul deeply. How could he have let his brother take the knives? How could he have let his own flesh and blood, his own brother sacrifice himself? The pain was numbing. How could Sam have sacrificed himself for him? The idiot who had treated Sam like a monster. Over and over again, he had pushed Sam away, and yet Sam had still shown yet again, that he had his back. That stubborn son of a bitch had come back again and again when Dean had so clearly pushed him away and had mistrusted him. gods! How did Sam bear all of that?

How could he have let his brother even have the thought of Dean hating him. Yeah he had been angry but that didn't mean he had hated Sam. It took 3 knives to his brother's heart for him to pull his head out of his ass. How come he had forgotten his one main job in life ~ to protect Sammy? Had he been so caught up in his self pity that he had completely forgotten his father's dying words? How come he had forgotten the one main thing that kept him alive and got him through it all ~ Sam's heartbeat.

Tears fell down silently from his eyes till they ran out. His heart ached, he was frantic with worry and his brother was swinging back and forth on the see saw of destiny. One small thing and Sam could topple any moment to the darkness. It was all Dean's fault. He had been careless, had mistreated Sam, and had doubted his brother's love and genuine concern towards him. Dean now realized that in the past weeks, he had become an unfeeling monster, uncaring about how much he hurt Sam by ignoring him, doubting him and pushing him away. His chest constricted and a fresh round of tears started as the fear of losing his brother crept into his heart.

He was vaguely aware of all the pitying glances he was receiving from the nurses. The guilt and fear was squeezing his heart. He would rather live with a Sam who had become a hardened strong hunter than with a broken blood dyed Sam. If anything happened to his brother, he would never ever forgive himself. It was cold oak all over again, except that this time Sam had suffered the worst hurt he could ever receive. Sam had been killed, nearly killed (Dean mentally corrected himself) because of the brother he had tailed around and idolized since he could know and understand things. How could Dean ever make things better? Even if Sam did live through this (he would, Dean said fiercely to himself) how could Sam ever forgive Dean? How could Dean ever hope to get things back to what they were ever again?

More tears fell. Dean closed his eyes. He couldn't bear it if anything happened to Sam. Dean didn't think he had the ability to live through his life without Sam. He couldn't survive a week without Sam before, how could he now live through his life bearing the ever weighing down killed of having killed his brother with cold heartedness and mistrust. What if Sam died thinking that Dean hated him and didn't love him anymore? No. Stop. Dean mentally kicked himself for even having such thoughts. Sam would live through this. He was a fighter. Sam was a stubborn bastard who would no doubt survive this injury. He just won't give up like this. Dean had taught him better.

But after all this was over, he would have a huge apology to say as soon as Sam woke up. When Sam woke up, they were gonna have the mother of all chick flick moments. Dean smiled listlessly at the thought.

He was shaken out of his reverie when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up into the apprehensive eyes of a middle aged man in a white coat.

"Dean Wesson, Sam Wesson's brother?"

"Yes, how is my brother now?" Dean asked with frantic worry.

"I suggest we talk some where more private. Follow me."

Guyzzzz pls review! Make my day

Plss… 333


	12. hope is lost

Dean followed the Doctor inside his mind and heart aching with worry for his brother. The Doctor broke him out of his thoughts and said, "Mr. Wesson please have a seat."

Dean sat in the chair clumsily. "How? How is my brother?" Dean asked bracing himself for the worst.

"Your brother, he has suffered 3 broken ribs. A serious surgery had to be done on your brother's heart as the knives came quite close to damaging it. His sternum also suffered some minor damage. Other than that, he has some superficial cuts and bruise on all over his body."

Dean could see that the Doctor was holding something back. "What? What is it that you are not telling me? Tell me now." Dean growled.

"Your brother, he has fallen in coma." Dean's heart faltered. His breathing increased. He felt the earth shake under his feet and before he knew what was happening, he was emptying his guts on the Doctor's floor. Several minutes later, Dean continued to dry heave while the Doctor tried to calm him down. Dean's brain seemed to turn to mush. Only one single thought ran through his mind. His brother, the one he had protected all his life was now in coma. It was his entire fault. If anything happened to Sammy, Dean would never forgive himself for it.

The Doctor continued to comfort Dean. Finally, Dean managed to catch his breath. Tears filled those sea green pools and he tried to desperately keep himself from breaking down completely but failed. The Doctor stared in sympathy. He knew comfort was useless in a time like this. He wasn't surprised when Dean asked to see his brother immediately. He slowly led Dean over to his brother's room.

Seeing Sam so broken, so fragile, Dean once again promptly emptied his guts on the floor only this time nothing was left except bile. Seeing Sam lying on the bed looking so vulnerable and broken shocked Dean into remembering his father's words. "Watch out for Sammy" he had failed at the one job he had done all his life. His mom would be so disappointed in him. Dad would be so disappointed in him. Sammy would be so disappointed. Tears rolled down his cheeks in sad patterns as he grasped his brother's hand. Dean had always thought of his brother as huge but seeing him now so broken and fragile changed all of that.

The Doctor stood silently at the door watching the scene unfolding in front of him. He was amazed at the level of love and dedication between the brothers. Most siblings didn't share the same amount of love and adoration as the Wessons. He was fascinated by their bond at the emotional level. Rarely in his entire career as a Doctor had he seen this level of hurt and emotion amongst siblings as the Wessons. He felt sorry for both of the young men. Feeling morose, he walked off towards another patient.

Dean sat next to his brother constantly, vigilant with no care for personal needs. He sat there, holding his brother's hand constantly talking about various things. "You know when you were little; you used to talk so much. Constantly asking 'Dean what is this?' 'Dean what is that?' you were such a pain in the ass and you still are." A ghostly smirk flickered on Dean's face as he continued "sometimes I used to wish that for once you would shut up and stop it with the constant questioning. Now seeing you so quiet when you are grown up I- god Sammy what wouldn't I give to hear you voice again." Dean stopped talking, unable to continue as his voice choked with emotion and once again sad tears streamed downwards.

He once again tried to speak. "Come on you need to wake up for me bitch. I can't do it without you. Who is going to bitch and moan about my music and my driving? Grumble about my food and all the cholesterol choking my arteries? Who will be a pain in the ass? Sammy please wake up for me just once I want to hear you call out my name. I don't care what shit has gone down between us. Please wake up for me. Don't take away the only to reason for my existence. Please." At this point Dean broke down once again on the onslaught of fresh tears.

Dean sat there on the chair next to Sammy for what felt like an eternity. When the initial shock and concern for Sammy wore off, it gave way to guilt. His eyes began to tear up again knowing that he had put his brother in this position in the first place. He had been so absorbed in himself that he forgot to see what Sam felt or thought. Sure, he had been angry and felt torn up and betrayed, but this hadn't been the way to deal with it. He had lost sight of what was important to him, what he had stood for his entire life. Seeing his brother's near brush with death, knocked him out of his delirium. He would take Sammy; however he was, with all the lying and the god damn secrets if he would just get up of this damn bed. Dean rested his head gently on Sam's bed when a flutter of wings woke him up.

"Cas? What are you doing here?" Dean asked getting up

"I heard about Sam. I am sorry." Cas replied

Dean walked over to Cas and pulled him towards Sam's bed and said, "Cas! Miracle now! Please!" the last part came out at as a plea.

"I am sorry Dean. I really can't do anything much here." CAS tilted his head towards Sam's bed as though listening for something. "Your brother has lost the will to live. He doesn't think he had any reason to live for anymore. I am sorry. I can't do much" and with that Cas melted into thin air.

A/N ~ guyzz please review and make my day! This story is probably gonna come to an end soon in a few chapters. Thanks to all those who reviewed, faved and alerted it! Luvv you all!


	13. voice breaks through the fog

"_**Cas? What are you doing here?" Dean asked getting up**_

"_**I heard about Sam. I am sorry." Cas replied**_

_**Dean walked over to Cas and pulled him towards Sam's bed and said, "Cas! Miracle now! Please!" the last part came out at as a plea.**_

"_**I am sorry Dean. I really can't do anything much here." CAS tilted his head towards Sam's bed as though listening for something. "Your brother has lost the will to live. He doesn't think he had any reason to live for anymore. I am sorry. I can't do much" and with that Cas melted into thin air.**_

Dean sat down shakily into the chair once again. What had Cas said Sam was feeling? Sam had lost the will to love? His Sammy? He had to have taught his brother better than that. How could Sammy even think such a stupid thing? How could he think there was no reason to live?

By this time Dean was yelling at Sam's unmoving form. "What the hell are you thinking? Are you mad? Freaking insane? Did you lose your mind college boy? How dare you even nurse such a thought? Don't have the will to exist? Are you mad? Did you even think once, just once what would happen to me if you dropped dead? You don't get the easy way out and you sure as hell don't get to ditch me like that just by a few injuries which are my fault.

Sammy you don't get to lose something that sure as hell doesn't belong to you. From the moment dad placed you in my hands at the age of four , hell from the day you were born , since the day I took up the job to guard you against my life , from then your life belonged to me. How dare you lose the only thing that keeps me alive, keeps me human? You don't have the damn right to ditch me. You don't. You are going to be stuck being a pain in the ass your whole life. You don't have the right. Don't you leave me now Sammy. Don't you give up in me too." at this Dean's voice wavered and he stopped unable to continue as his emotions once again rode over.

There was a fog settling all over him. He felt numb. He wondered where he was. It was too comfortable to be a graveyard. Heaven? Nah. He had made it sure he got a one way ticket to hell so where could he be? Vaguely he could feel someone squeezing his hand. But who could it be? Dean hated him and had made it clear he didn't want anything to do with him. So it couldn't be Dean. Before Sam could think anymore, the fog settled over much more heavily and he succumbed to it.

Some time later or maybe several days later or so it felt, he could feel someone's hand stroking his hair. The touch was definitely there this time. Sure that he was not imagining it; he tried to open his eyes, struggling against the fog. He could hear a voice saying something but he couldn't make out the words.

But one voice, the one he had grown up listening to all his life, cut through all the haze. "Sammy wake up. For me please."

Hearing the voice filled him with a surge of energy and he fought to open his eyelids with renewed fervor. Finally after struggling with the haze for what felt like an eternity, his eyes opened. As soon as his eyes fluttered open, his throat closed up and he started to gasp trying to dislodge the ventilator. "Leave it Sam. Its helping you." Sam heard Dean say.

Dean then pressed the buzzer and after a few moments the doctor walked in. " now Sam when I remove this I want you to cough as loudly as you can. Got it?" Sam nodded his head and coughed as loud as he could when the doctor removed the piece of machinery. His chest felt like it was on fire. His ribs screamed in protest and his sternum groaned.

Dean gently patted him on the back and eased him back onto the bed. The doctor left the room then saying something about other patients leaving the two brothers alone.

Then Dean held a glass of water at Sam's lips and he sipped the water slowly. He felt confused. Why was Dean even here? Dean shouldn't be here. Dean hated him. He didn't deserve this. Why was Dean being so caring towards him as though the last few month and hell had never happened in the first place. Was he dreaming? It didn't feel so. His dreams weren't so graphic usually. He brushed his hand against Dean's to be sure. No he wasn't dreaming.

But if he wasn't then why was Dean acting so calm and caring and loving and oh so Dean? Dean had made it clear that he didn't want any relation with Sam. Dean didn't love him so why the sudden change now? He glanced at Dean clear confusion written in his eyes. He opened his mouth to ask but Dean just stroked his head and said "ssh. Sammy. You just woke up. You need to rest" when Dean said that Sam travelled back a good 15 years when he had got hurt for the first time in a hunt and he had been hospitalized the Same as now.

It was then that Dean had whispered these same words to him stroking his hair now. Nostalgia filled him deeply and he had to keep the tears from flowing. How easy things used to be before. How loving their relationship was unlike the screwed one they carried now. He held back the tears not wanting to bring the pain out now. His brother was still stroking his hair and Sam let himself be carried away by the warm fuzzy feeling that came with it. His heart filled with a renewed hope and he began to enjoy Dean's careful ministrations. He looked at Dean, glad to see something other than the hate and indifference in his brother's eyes. Now all he saw was love and fierce protection, all of the hate washed away.

It felt like a bazillion years since he had felt his brother's love. He remembered when his brother had left him on the downstairs trip and remembered longing for that love. Even after Dean had come back, the same level of love and adoration was clearly absent. Finally achieving what he had longed and pined for, for a really long time forced the tears he had been holding back past his floodgates. With tear filled eyes, he glanced at Dean. Seeing Sam reduced to tears sent Dean on a full scale panic trip. "Sam! Sam! What's wrong? Tell me where it hurts Sammy. Please talk to me Sammy."

_**Sammy **_

Sam's eyes closed in sweet remembrance. It had been so long since his brother had called him that. His heart ached in pain and relief. He had never thought he would miss the nickname. But he had been wrong. The name was a form of love and adoration. It was another way of saying ' I love you'. When Dean had stopped saying it, his heart had cried so much. It meant Dean didn't love him anymore and the loss of love burnt his heart.

So many tears he had shed over it and now hearing what he always wanted to brought intense relief and tears. "Say it again" Sam said opening his eyes.

"Say what again?" Dean asked, confusion etched on his face.

"My name. Please. Say my name again please."

"Sammy?" god! Sam closed his eyes again. It had been so long.

Sweet relief filled his being. He had missed it so much. Sam opened his eyes and said , "it had been so long you called me Sammy, that I just became surprised that's all. It's nice to hear." Now that was an understatement!

ah! Gods! He had been such an idiot. How could he have denied his brother the simple pleasure also? He hadn't realized that he had stopped saying Sammy till the loss became apparent. He had to be the worst big brother in history. Dean looked back at Sammy guilt written in his eyes. Before he could voice his apology, Sam asked, "so how long am I stuck here?"

"I don't know but thank god you woke up Sammy. This hospital has to be the most boring one we have been to yet. Not a single hot nurse. Not a single decent TV channel. Horrible. Now thanks to you I have at least Sasquatch for company" Sam laughed lightly and it was good to hear. Sam sighed. So long this playful banter had been missing. He had missed it somehow.

Just then the doctor walked in. "well Mr. Wesson. I can say I have never been gladder to see a patient wake up. Your brother nearly killed himself with worry. He also threatened to murder most of our nurses and me of course constantly demanding when you would wake up. He hasn't eaten or slept since the day you fell into that bed no matter how many nurses forced him. I gotta admit. I am jealous of you. That amount of love and devotion your brother has for you is astounding. So now that you have finally woken up I think rest and food is in order for the two of you. Dean you are welcome to use the other bed. I will send a nurse in with the food but first Sam tell me how are you feeling?"

" Like my insides have been frozen, then micro waved my chest hurts and my ribs feel like jelly. Any of that add up?" Sam asked. The doctor smiled. "You should be out in about a week. We have to keep you monitored for now as you just swam out of coma. You have three broken ribs, a minor tear in the sternum and just went through a major heart surgery. So you should have some trouble breathing. You are lucky you got here in time. A few more minutes and we would have been in trouble."

Dean's eyes slipped to the ground. Guilt came heavy and strong now and he fought to reign in control. Sam glanced at his brother, noting his tense posture and then back at to. "Lucky for you to have such brother." the doc continued and smiled "I will send the nurse in now and Dean" he said sternly "get some rest. Your brother isn't leaving you anytime soon." Dean blushed and nodded. Leave it to old nosy docs to eavesdrop on them. The door closed and Dean sank into the chair next to Sam.

The doctor's words rang loud and clear in his ears. A few more minutes and he would have lost Sammy forever. It was his entire fault that Sammy was in the damn bed in the first place. He was damned. He nearly lost his brother just because of a few issues they had. He had come close to losing his only family and the fact shook him to his very core. Tears flowed unbidden. Sam would never forgive him for this. He had hurt his brother deeply. He wouldn't be surprised if Sam didn't so much as talk or look at him for the rest of his life. He had pushed away his only family. He had torn their relationship and nearly bought Sam a ride with death. He screwed everything up. Sam would never forgive him for this.

Just then Sam shook his hand and said, "hey forget it. It didn't happen. I am still alive so-" whatever Sam was about to say was interrupted as the nurse walked in with food and that took space for all conversation away.

A/N guys please please review! It makes my day! N thanks to all who reviewed the previous chapter and added this story to their list of favorites and added me also as a fav author! N luvv u all who reviewed! Thanks !


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